Divorce is one of the most traumatic situations that, unfortunately, is experienced by almost every second family in Indiana. The stress experienced during a divorce is close in strength to stress in a state of grief due to the death of a loved one.
The husband is gone. On some unconscious level, you start thinking that he died. Divorce is grief and loss, even if the marriage was not registered, even if the love is almost gone. It is impossible to survive a divorce alone, during this period support and participation are necessary.
Many people compare the process of divorce and the period after a divorce with the loss of a part of oneself. It is excruciating when expectations are destroyed, and it hurts because there is no longer a shared future, it’s a pity to lose time, it’s scary to be alone.
It is said that time heals any wounds. Studies in Indiana have shown that, on average, people experience the pain of divorce on their own (without the help of a psychologist) from 3 to 5 years. But our practice shows that some people can not move away after divorce after ten years or more.
Therefore, psychological assistance in case of divorce is necessary for all family members, and, especially, for the spouse who leaves. Mainly if the divorce was unexpected for him, or he is against the separation and loves the partner.
Psychological assistance in the process of divorce is also essential to the person who owns the divorce initiative. The initiator of the divorce, as a rule, has a tremendous sense of guilt, heaviness, pressure from the abandoned spouse and other relatives. Of course, psychological assistance in the event of divorce is also needed by the most affected party – children.
Divorce is a long-term psychological process that begins with the decision to divorce and ends when emotional, legal, economic relations are fully completed. Conventionally, it can be divided into three stages: the pre-divorce stage, the phase of the divorce itself and the period after the separation.
Psychological assistance in the pre-divorce period
If you are on the verge of divorce and doubt whether you will take the next step or not, leave the relationship or not, you need psychological help to make a conscious, informed decision. Of course, no one will take such a decision for you, but you will be able, together with a psychologist, to understand what you want.
At this stage, the family can still be saved. Or maybe you will understand that there is nothing left to save and you will be able to accept the situation as it is and to survive the divorce less painfully. In the pre-divorce period, family counseling will help you when you two go to a psychologist.
Psychological assistance is especially necessary if both of you do not know whether you will get divorced or not, and as a result, you live in constant stress. In this case, it is impossible to make the right decision. The sooner you seek psychological help, the better.
If the second half does not agree to consult a psychologist, then individual psychological counseling will help.
It is especially important to come to a psychologist if:
The decision about the divorce, made by the “second half,” was a complete surprise for you
if you are against divorce
if you love a spouse
Psychological assistance for children
Remember, the child is the most suffering side of a divorce!
Numerous psychological studies show that most children (especially those under the age of 10) unconsciously consider themselves to be the culprits of divorce, Also, during a divorce, the child has to make the hardest choice. He needs to think with whom he wants to stay. That is, choose between the two closest blood relatives! It’s like saying: “Choose which hand you chop off – right or left?”
And most often the parents only exacerbate the situation, trying to pull the child over to their side and turn it against each other. In no case do not use the child, as a means for manipulating each other, like a trash can for throwing away the negative, as a scout in the enemy’s camp or a rope for dragging.
If you cannot agree on the division of responsibilities for parenting, on communicating with children from both sides, if your father (or mother) has disappeared and did not want to see the child, then we suggest you come to the family setting with this question.
It is not always necessary to bring the child himself. Sometimes it is enough to make a family constellation (you can come to one parent) and go through the consultation by the parents themselves (or one parent) to help children.
Psychological assistance after a divorce
Very often, many couples do not finish their relationship after a divorce. Legal divorce and even separation of spouses do not mean that there was a psychological divorce, and the relationship ended. However, unfinished connections prevent us (and especially women) from building their personal lives further.
While the heart is occupied with the same love, it is impossible to meet a new one. But it is possible to find surrogate love (like old love) and once again step on the same rake, but with another person.
Why is this happening? Because the conflict from the unfinished relationship is transferred to a new relationship and is played anew with another person. Moreover, in this case, a new partner is often similar to the previous one. And as a rule, just as traumatized by past relationships as you are. Perhaps the new relationship may be even worse than the previous ones.
Well, if you are divorced, then you need to separate from each other entirely and do not get stuck in a state of divorce. Then you can open the door to a new life.
Very often couples are trapped in self-deception. It seems to them that they have completely broken up, and, in the soul of each of the former spouses (or one spouse), feelings for the partner and hope of restoring the relationship still live. For example, after a divorce, some couples continue to have sex for several years. Many believe that they are only friends, but it is self-deception. In most such cases, the relationship is not completed.
Indicators of the unfinished relationship are the fact that you can not leave each other and live in the same house (apartment), that you can not divide the property. Sexual attraction to a partner (even a secret one), desire to get revenge on him, jealousy, the envy of his success, pain, resentment, anger, and any other feelings towards the former partner indicate that you have not completed the relationship.
Psychological assistance after a divorce in the division of property
If the marriage contract was not signed initially with you, and after a divorce, there is no agreement on the division of property, then you should get psychological assistance in this case as well. To do this, we recommend that you come to individual counseling or family accommodation. Sometimes one meeting is enough to resolve the problem of division of property after a divorce. It is enough to make both parties agree.
Why is psychological help significant during a divorce?
It is impossible to avoid experiencing grief, to hide your head in the sand, to pretend that nothing is happening. And psychological help with a divorce is priceless. Psychological help during a divorce is essential to survive. It is even necessary for living.
There are several stages of experiencing mourning during a divorce.
The first stage of grief during a divorce is denial.
This is a shock. At this stage, the defense mechanisms of the psyche are turned on, and the person, trying to avoid pain, denies the situation of divorce. The abandoned spouse perceives everything as a nightmare: now he will wake up, and everything will be the same, or he (she) will understand that he is wrong, will come to his senses and come back. He does not believe in what is happening, that a divorce is possible, that all this is happening to him, to his family. He does not accept the situation of divorce and sometimes even behaves as if nothing happened.
The second stage of grief during a divorce is aggression.
When a person nevertheless acknowledges that his spouse has left him, he, fleeing from pain, feels strong anger, rage, and at the same time fear, thoughts of revenge appear. At this stage, the person is inclined to blame the other spouse for the divorce and its reasons. He denies his contribution to what happened. In the address of a partner insults, name-calling, aggressive actions may occur. Then aggression, not finding a way out, appeals to himself, a person accuses himself of a divorce. He has a feeling of guilt. In no case suppress aggression, it is important to respond correctly, and professional psychologists will help you with this.